All the glitters are not Gold- chapter 26

~Silver~

Standing outside Gold's apartment was one of the hardest things I had to do lately. And I hated myself for doing it at all.

It seemed as though each step I took up the three flights of stairs to reach the top was dragging my hopes downward. When I started at the bottom I was perfectly fine, but by the time I reached the top, all my confidence dwindled away like my breath—because I walked too quickly in hopes that I wouldn't lose my confidence.

I hated this.

Damn that boy to hell.

I hated him and everything about him… at least… that's what I kept telling myself. I hated how he was perfect at making me want to be with him. I hated how perfect he was at making my heart race, and how terribly perfect he was at making me tremble. I hated that he had so much power of me… with the touch of his hands… and possibly some other various parts of his body. That was beside the point though; I hated it as a whole.

I hated that for three hours this morning I couldn't sit down, even after he said he would be gentle. I wondered how it was even possible for someone to be gentle with that at all, and it made me mad that he didn't even consider it. Guys having sex was like trying to fit a football through a hole the size of a golf ball. I wanted to believe it felt as bad as birth did for women—but that was just my male incentive talking.

Or maybe it was Gold's dick that was talking. After all, that had been what made me think these terrible things to begin with.

I leaned against the railing overlooking the quart yard below Gold's apartment. It was bland and covered in snow fall and making me feel dizzy when I stared for too long, but I had nothing else to look for. My mind was going a million different directions at once.

A part of it was pulling me back down the stairs from Gold's front door, saying that this was unhealthy and wrong and if it hurts so badly, obviously it's a bad sign. Yet another part was driving me to turn around and knock on the door. It claimed that it was my first time, and that there was bound to be a problem or two. The irrationality of the whole thing repulsed me, but I had to admit that was the most enticing thing that crossed my mind in a while.

God I hated myself for wanting to be with him. And I hated myself more for figuring this out now and not earlier. Though I still didn't know if I really loved him or not, I had to admit he was the only person that had ever really been of any real value to me. I didn't want to lose that.

Another significant part of me was saying that I already had lost that…

I left early this morning assuming Gold would call me and ask me to come back. I was thinking—as I got dressed in his clean clothes while he slept—that in a few hours Gold would be leaving me another pleading message to come over. The reason I had left was because I knew he would call me again… or more so thought he would call me.

Now I stood outside his apartment, shivering in the cold night air wondering what could possibly be going through Gold's head right now. Was he thinking about me? Was he thinking about all the things we shared in the past? Was he racking his brain for any realistic reason for us not to be together right now?

Was he trying to figure out just how big of an asshole I was for not telling him I loved him?

I slumped over on the frigid railing and sighed, my breath clouding up in front of my face. Gold must hate me for not saying it back. That was the only thing I could think of. I must have really hurt him…

Which is why I had to make it better now…

I turned with a whirl and raised my fist to knock on the door. It was numb and shaky, but solid as it ever would be. I let it fall three times very softly, hoping maybe he wouldn't hear me and I could assume he wasn't home. I wanted to be left out here waiting just as much as I wanted to be in there with him.

I had practiced what I was going to say to him long before I even came here, but the words felt so wrong on my tongue now that I was here. I forgot half of it, discarded most of it, and hung my head in desperation.  What do you tell someone after you walk out on them like I did? Especially after they said they loved you and you didn't say it back. My asshole move should have been a move for life. That was something you do before you leave and never come back.

I heard the lock click softly as it was being turned. I learned early this morning that the door liked to stick and that without a little yank it wouldn't open. I stuffed my hands in the pockets of the sweats I had stolen from Gold's dresser and looked at my feet.

The door creaked open, casting unnatural bright light down on me.

"Si—Silver?" Gold asked with surprise—as if he hadn't probably looked through his peep hole first.

"I—I uhhh… Barrowed your… clothes, and decided I should return them." I glanced up at his face, expecting to see nothing but remorse and grief. I expected him to be a wreck after what I did, but he actually looked somewhat alright. Maybe a little stunned.

He blinked at me, still holding the door halfway closed. "But you're still wearing them?"

Yes you stupid idiot! I'm still wearing them so you will let me in!

The door stretched open wider and Gold stepped back, revealing his living room to me and gesturing for me to enter, as if he somehow heard my voice. I nodded once and shuffled in, not bothering to wipe my feet. A stain from my shoes would only give him more of a reminder of me, I didn't mind that.

I lifted my eyes once I was in and heard the door shut, to see all his size appropriate pokemon with their heads in bowls of popcorn. Jolteon was fearlessly guarding hers from Typhlosion, though he didn't look to be a threat with the mess around him and his own bowl tipped halfway over his face. I noticed Skarmory off to the side a little ways, pecking piece by piece but eating just as quickly as the others. She glanced at me for a second before turning back to her food.

Gold strode by me, unfazed it seemed, into the kitchen of his house, which was fully visible from where I stood in the living room. His back turned to me as he reached up and opened the microware door to retreat the freshly popped bag. The smell of melted butter hit my nose when he opened it.
"I didn't even notice you took my clothes." Gold said cautiously, digging for yet another large bowl to dump this bag into. He pulled out something plastic and green and brand new with the sticker still on the side of it.

You didn't notice? I had expected him to notice right away…

"Oh, well… I guess I should just go take them off then." I said, but did not move. If it meant saving myself from this awkwardness, I was prepared to strip them off right in front of him. Maybe then he would realize that I wasn't ashamed… maybe last night could be forgotten for another night.

"If you want to." Gold shrugged and tossed a piece of his popcorn into his mouth. "Do you have any other clothes with you?"

"Well— I… I…" I looked away. I had brought my clothes from the previous day, the clothes I should have put on this morning before leaving, but they suddenly seemed pretty repulsing. Not only were they still unwashed, but Gold's sweats that were slightly too large and his shirt that was slightly too short were much more comfortable.

Gold came around the small wall that separated the kitchen from his living room, holding the bowl of popcorn carefully and eyeing his pokemon. Obviously his was butter loaded and theirs wasn't. The smell made my stomach growl, but I couldn't tell if I was hungry or if I was feeling sick.

"I brought the clothes I wore yesterday." I said to Gold as he sat on his couch and curled up with the bowl.

This was getting weird… wasn't he even a little bit concerned about me? Being here? Though his eyes stayed well away from mine, I got the feeling he was somehow ok with everything. Or he was somehow ignoring the topic. I wanted to curse and pull my hair out because of him. I came here hoping maybe he would have something to say that would change my mind and it was obvious he didn't want to talk about it at all.

Was he mad at me? Was he hurt? Was he repulsed?

"Well if they are dirty you can just wear those." Gold said with a shrug. "I don't mind."

Did that mean he didn't want me to be getting undressed in his house?

"Oh… ok."

"If you want to use my washing machine you can too." He barely caught me a glance as he gestured to the door a little ways off from his bedroom. I didn't want to admit that I hadn't washed my own clothes yet—I just hadn't found the time with all this dilemma—but how could I say they were clean AND stay in his clothes?

Part of me wanted to rip the clothes off right in front of him, to reveal the bruises on my shoulders and to potentially reignite that spark from last night. But the other part of me wanted to stay in his clothes and feel like maybe I was closer to him this way.

And here he was not caring about anything else in the world but the bowl on his lap.

"Thanks." I grumbled and headed towards the door he pointed at. I might as well do my laundry here. At least then I would have a reason to stay for a while.

The washing room was small and dark without a noticeable light switch, so I may not have dumped enough detergent in with my single outfit, but I didn't care. There were ten settings on this thing and I knew any of them would get the job done regardless of the soap amount. Gold must have a thing for nice appliances, I thought with a huff. His dryer was state of the art as well, what with chrome handles and red paint. I glared at it before turning away.

"Silver, do you want some." Gold called as soon as he saw me. He pointed at the bowl in his lap. I couldn't help but think—and wish silently—that the bowl wasn't there, and he was pointing to his hot beneath his clothes.

"Sure." I swallowed awkwardly and picked around the pokemon in the small living room to be by his side. Jolteon almost took a nip at my ankle, but thought better of it obviously.

I tried to sit nearly on top of Gold, but ended up a few inches away.

Why was he acting like nothing happened?

I reached my hand into the bowl in his lap and—again—had to wish it wasn't there. I forced a glance at him as well, thinking maybe that if I could make eye contact I would see through what he was feeling.

He merely shot me a smile. One that would be given to even the simplest acquaintances… the kind of smile that said "I'm being polite" not "I love you"

I almost frowned, but forced the usual, uninterested look on my face instead.

"So what did you do all day?" he asked me when the sound of pokemon eating was too much to bear. I swallowed the few pieces in my mouth and lied as honestly as I could.

"Just took my pokemon to the forest…" I looked at him fully this time, trying to lodge my eyes into his to see what he was thinking. What possible reason was there for him to just completely ignore the fact that we had sex? Gold sucked at hiding his emotions… I knew that if I just got the chance I would be able to see the reasons.

He turned his attention on the bowl again though. "I did some training too."

"In the forest?" had I ACTUALLY gone there today I may have gotten to see him? And then all the problems now could be solved already.

"No, I went up towards Pewter City. There are more large fields up there. I had to let Mamoswine and Girafarig out. They have been cooped up for a while." He said. It was such a real answer too, that it bothered me. I had told him I went to the forest when in fact I stayed in my pokecenter room dwelling on what to say to him tonight without success.

"Oh." I mumbled and stuck my hand out again, without looking. This time—I should have realized it was bound to happen, I should have thought of it before—our hands collided gently.

I flinched, but didn't dare pull away. I looked up at him, hoping to see those surprised innocent honey eyes. My fingers twitched in wanted, and through the butter grease and the popcorn I let my littlest finger curl with his.

Then he pulled his hand away…

I flushed a horrible red, and wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face and get up and leave right then and there. If that wasn't rejection I didn't know what was. I coughed nervously and pulled my hand back.

"Sorry." Gold said, as if my attempt at holding his hand hadn't just happened. He acted like we had ONLY bumped hands.

"Gold I—

But I couldn't say anything. How do you explain to him that you are sorry for being an asshole and not telling him you love him back, but still didn't love him? How could I do that?

Unless of course I did love him…

No… no why would I? I didn't know what love was…

"Yeah?" Gold asked me in a quiet voice.

"I—I should probably get going."

For a very, very short second I saw pain cross his face, and that right there made it almost possible for me to stay. But it was just a flash—of some strange second thought he was having that involved me going. Did he want me to stay?

"Ok. You can come pick up your clothes whenever you want." He said, looking down. Why was he doing this to me? Why didn't he beg me to stay? Didn't he want me to be with him?

I was prepared to stay… I was prepared to lay wrapped in his arms all night long and never leave again… I would have sex with him again if that's what he wanted! I just wanted to stay…

The words he spoke so delicately to me yesterday rang in my ears once again.

"Now you stay." Gold had said to me with seduction in his eyes.

"Right…" I stood up halfheartedly, forcing the painful memory out of my head. With shaky fingers I was already contemplating leaving the clothes with him until he was forced to call me to know when I would come get them. If I left him with a reason to call… then he would…

…right?

God damn why didn't he act like he loved me?! I wanted to punch him in his face again for making me feel so rejected. It was almost like when my father left me so long ago… because he was a failure and thought I was one as well.

Did Gold think I was a failure? Had he given up on me?

I turned, fighting an emotion too strong to face for the moment, and made my way to the door as quickly as I could.

"Silver I—

"What?" I whirled on Gold as he tried to stop me. Tell me you love me… tell me to say…

"I—I…" he didn't look at me, but gripped the sleeve of my jacket tightly and wouldn't let me go. "Just… Have a good night…" he whispered.

Tell me you love me… kiss me… do something!

He let go of my sleeve and turned and walked away. His back to me he took the half empty bowl from the couch and walked towards his bedroom door. He dropped the bowl halfway there and it landed in front of Typhlosion, who looked up in shock, groaning softly as if the despair was too much for him. Popcorn littered the floor in a horribly realistic portrayal of how I felt at the moment. I saw pieces of silent glass falling to the floor, with a drizzle of staining blood on the carpet—not butter.

Shattered… I was shattered.

He wanted nothing to do with me… not romance… not even a kiss before I left. Was I really that awful? I thought maybe—for a long second that would surely catch up to me later—that maybe I was bad at sex.

But was Gold that shallow?

I didn't want to believe so…

And it was my first time! I wished I could reason with myself over this, but for some reason I could only make things much worse.

What if I was bad at sex? What if that was the reason Gold was so obviously turned off by me? My heart sank, and I was forced to drag my attention elsewhere. No reason I should beat myself up over what can't be helped… even though I did.

I glanced around at his three pokemon while my heart stuttered and broke, seeing as though they all were staring at me.

Typhlosion looked the most upset by this. His face was in a full on frown, and I could see that he was very confused. Having not known what happened, it was obvious he wanted me and Gold to be together. For the first time I actually kind of liked the goofy fire pokemon. At least he could see that something was very wrong here. Skarmory on the other hand, who I had always quite liked for her quiet mature nature, was starting to bug me. She glared from across the room, skeptical at me for every rightful reason.

It wasn't my fault Gold didn't put his pokemon back in their balls before sex!

I turned and gripped the handle tightly, yanking the unwilling door and storming out into the cold. Gold didn't want anything to do with me… what else did I have now? Anger pulsed through my veins. What was wrong with me?

I slammed the door as hard as I could and threw my hands over my face, gritting my teeth and wishing I could just understand. Gold was never like this…

I was never like this…