What was it about the night that just made New Gold run my whole entire world? I couldn't even look at Silver, when the stars turned his face white and the snow made color rise to his cheeks. It was like I was looking at a whole different person. Someone who didn't think I was crazy or impossible.
I hadn't wanted to hold Silver hand
I just kinda
did it. There was no mental capacity large enough to understand the reasoning behind that magnetic pull in that very moment, but it wasn't worth it in the end. I hated myself
I hated myself more than anything when New Gold took over. It wasn't me, it wasn't who I wanted to be
and yet it was every bit as delightful and giddy as ever. Like a drug
a high you know you are NOT supposed to have, but want it so badly because of that.
I didn't think that anything else could go worse that night, especially after Ty decided to take it upon himself to push us together. The bad part was I knew it wasn't for the fact that he wanted us both to be safe with his warmth
no, he just wanted me and Silver to be cuddle buddies. And looked what happened last time that happened!
Of course, when you don't think something can get worse though, that's when it indeed does get worse
I woke up in the middle of the night, head spinning, eyes watering, stomach churning, freezing and shaking madly. Everything felt cold, even Typhlosion, who slept like a rock besides us. My swallowed with difficulty and coughed once, trying to grasp the ridicules betrayal feeling I had growing in me. It was like my body as determined to shut down with my mind.
And to make matters even worse than that, the smell of blood clogged my nose and I realized with a start that the gash in my eyebrow had opened up again beneath the liquid bandage. I moaned softly, the quivering making it impossible to move.
"Gold?" Silver's voice came then, making me nearly jump out of my skin. It wasn't irritated, just quiet and curious, as if the few hours between before and now had been enough to clear the air. His hot breath whirred over me as he turned to his side to look at what my problem was.
cucut--- is bleebleeding." I managed, wondering how much of the blood was getting in Ty's fur, and how grossed out he would be in the morning.
"You don't look very well" Silver, despite my absolute misery, managed to lighten it a little. His warm, gloveless hand came down on my cheek. "You've got a fever." He pulled back so quickly I was sure my body was going up in flames.
"Theres medmedicicine in my baback pack." I rasped, and then started myself into a fit of coughing. My throat was stinging and my head pounding. Silver felt a mile away when he turned over to reach for the bag, and I couldn't help but wonder if this was meant to happen.
"Sit up." He said smoothly. My eyes had already adjusted to the dark so I could see the outline of his outstretched hand to me, holding two large pills I would have to swallow.
I wasn't sure if I could. My muscles ached and my arms felt numb without strength. I was already partially propped up on Ty though, so it wouldn't be hard for me to take a drink. The water itself though, the snowmelt we gathered earlier in a cantina, was painfully cold and left me radiating with an icy feel. I almost coughed it back up while I swallowed it down, but was too weak. My face slumped over into Typhlosion's back and I cursed softly.
"I don't think you should let yourself get overheated." Silver announced after a moment. "When you have a fever really high, you have to bring your body temperature down."
Are you crazy? I wanted to say
Typhlosion was the only source of warmth I had and I was STILL in agony because of the chills.
"Maybe you should just sit away from him for a few minutes."
But Silver seemed to know what he was talking about
"Come on Gold." He insisted and gave my pokemon a shove to wake it up. Ty growled and snorted in his sleep before rolling away from me and curling into his own heap of fun. The heat disappeared almost instantly and my teeth chattered together in hopelessness.
"SiSilver, IIts Free-zing." I begged.
He put his hand to my forehead this time, feeling the sweat and the heat coming from me. I never understood having a fever, and I didn't cope well being sick in general. Probably because as a child I wasn't sick very often, and when I was my mother babied me so much that I wasn't allowed to do anything.
This was different though. This wasn't my mother trying to baby me; this was Silver trying to help me. I brought my hands up to my face and blew as much of my breath onto them as I could. Violent shudders made me curse repeatedly and whine.
are you ok?" Silver asked, though it was obvious I wasn't. His hand drew back from my forehead and came down just below my cheekbone, touching my jaw line. "What am I supposed to do?"
He was asking me, probably hoping that I had been through this before and I knew that it would pass quickly or something. But I couldn't even respond. The icy damp rocks of the cave were dreadful and hurt my limp body. It was too hard suddenly, too cold, too much in general. My eyes watered and I couldn't tell if it was genuine tears or the sneeze that threatened in my sinuses that did it.
A strange feeling ebbed at my chest when I thought back to Silver's hand on my cheek. It wasn't me who wanted to cry right now, it was New Gold. That part ofnot methat wanted to take over everything and ruin it. I hated it, and especially since being sick I couldn't stop it. My defenses were down, and so the moisture drew to my eyelids and pooled over.
"Gold!?" Silver was strained now. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He wanted to sound like he was angry but the fear in his voice betrayed him.
"ItIt's so--- fu--- fuucc--- fucking---- Ccocolcold."
"You have to let the fever break." Silver nearly groaned. "You can't do that with heat."
I bit back a retort, or more likely snapped down hard on my tongue and abandoned the retort before I could splutter helplessly again.
I wasn't sure what corrupted me either
but not being able to make actual words come to my lips, somehow lead me to reach out to Silver, again, like I swore to myself I wouldn't. My icicle fingers twitched against his sleeve and the empty feeling of my cheek without his palm on it stung. I wasn't coherent, that had to be the reason this was happening. Nothing else would have ever made me do such a thing.
And then when Silver pulled his hand away, just like earlier, I expected him to retreat to another side of the mountains overhang and leave me alone and defenseless on the floor. My heart ached with a loneliness that made it hard to believe I was ever an independent human being. Where was the part of me that loved life or death experience? Or enjoyed to embrace the cold? Three years ago I was completely different. I was even cocky back then. And now it seemed all my sanity was strung up on a thread ready to snap.
Especially being sick in the middle of a mountain with no one to call and no way down fast enough if this turned into an emergency. I wasn't sure how bad it looked, but I knew that it was a possibility for me. Skarmory might be able to fly me a short distance to the bottom of the mountain, but she could never carry Silver as well, and what would I do then? Lay at the bottom of the mountain in the frost bitten grass and let wild pokemon attack me?
Things suddenly turned very dark in my head, and I realized I was gasping, coughing, choking on my shivering and my harsh breathing. The walls spun again and my head felt like a bass drum. I thought Silver had left me, and that thought alone was unsettling. I'd die up here without him, just like he would die up here without me.
A warm hand came down on my shoulder though, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut from the relief of knowing that he hadn't gone. My eyes were focused on the dark gray stone in front of me, but was outlined by the shape of Silver's shoulder as he lay beside me, shivering himself, but much warmer than me.
He roughly dislodged his hand from my shoulder and wrapped it around the back of my neck, drawing me in closer. I remembered when he tucked my face into the crook of his shoulder that my forehead was still bleeding. Of course I was too numb to feel it, but I could tell it smeared against his jacket.
"It will break soon." Silver assured, his voice ringing in my ears. "Tough it out."
Had I any strength I would have punched him for saying that
or maybe not
maybe I would have kissed him.
My heart skipped a beat at the startling and sudden thought that crossed my mind. It was so casually thought in my brain that I had to do a double take just to make sure that was really what I had said silently to myself.
Kiss Silver? Was I delusional? Was I losing it to the cold and the fever? That had to be it
I wasn't myself... I wasn't normal.
Silver lay next to me for a long time the rest of that night, with his chin resting atop my head and his hands ungloved over my double gloved ones. The blanket had been strewn around us at one point, and I could vaguely remember Typhlosion coming back to our side. My fever might have broken before that, but certainly sleep didn't come until after. It was a very long night from there on out.
I dreamt about myself as a younger trainer, battling Silver, with all the pain in the world on his young face. I dreamt about my family. I dreamt about the things I had been through and the badges I had won. It seemed I dreamt about everything that night, but never once in a deep enough sleep to be comfortable.
Comfort was not in those dreams, I realized at last, sometime between a coherent thought and the sun coming up. Comfort was in being awake with Silver so close to me. Comfort was suddenly sickness and the fact that he would take care of me. Comfort was now something it was never meant to be and I was so confused. So very confused
Comfort was Silver, and sick or not, I loved it.
I guess it passed pretty quickly. That or I just never wanted it to end.
Silver was treating me nicer than normal over the two days since my near death experience, via fever. I had gotten quite used to it as well, so used to it that New Gold was becoming a constant feeling in the pit of my stomach, and working his way into a stronger, full on emotion. He was unstoppable; I had to admit defeat eventually right?
Fighting with yourself wasn't healthy
I knew this anyways. And besides the point, it felt pretty damn good to just give up and let the new part of you take over. Even if it meant guilt, or worry, there was something about it
something that I couldn't quite explain.
Like Silver lately. There was something about him that just wasn't the same anymore
and it was a good thing. It was an attractive thing. A lull I could no longer stay away from, but couldn't yet grasp either. I didn't know whether it was right to call Silver my best friend, or something more.
I couldn't come to grips with the fact that I may have turned gay since our decision to go up this mountain, and since I hadn't seen any other males at all, I couldn't exactly test the theory.
It was easier to believe that it was a Silver thing anyways
not a gay thing. Gay wasn't an insult where I came from, but here in Kanto I expected people to be a little more critical of the situation. If that is, it was a situation at all. I had to ask myself if Silver was gay too
and didn't like the only rational answer.
Of course he wasn't gay
Because that would just be too ironic. Two young adultsstill teenagers in a waywith all the lust in the world and no one to share it with but one single person. What was I thinking? Agreeing to go up this mountain with Silver in the first place? Was I subconsciously hoping for some affection in return?
Well I had gotten it
that was for sure.
In some way, shape or form Silver had devoted himself to helping me get well, and even after my fever broke in the morning two days ago, and the gash in my brow sealed over with a scab, he still seemed to dwindle on the protective, affectionate part of all that.
He had let me hold his hand
though not for long periods of time, I still got the gratitude of feeling our skin together, my hand down, his palm up, fingers integrated together loosely. I was giddy when he wasn't looking and passionate when he was. My eyes felt soft when they met his and my cheeks hot. This was how a couple acted around each other
I knew this
but I didn't think that was where he wanted it to go.
I caught him the other morning muttering something to himself about being stupid, and though I didn't say anything, it made me want to wrap my arms around his and squeeze all the self hate out. He had to stop doing this to himself. His whole life he spent hating the person he was and I was determined to fix that now. Now that I had a reason to understand
now that II liked him
"What do you think happened to your father after he left Kanto Silver?" I had asked him earlier today, and his only reply had been a dumbfounded expression and a quick change of subjects. He didn't want to talk about his father; he didn't want to talk about anything that had to do with his childhood. I respected that enough to leave it alone for now.
So I asked him a different question. I asked him about raising his Tododile when it was younger, saying that if I would have picked that pokemon I would have probably done a poor job raising it because it had a vicious nature. This was an honest statement, but Silver knew where it was headed, so he warned me that he didn't want to talk about anything that happened three years ago. Again I understood enough to leave it alone.
That terrible nagging question was still in the back of mind when we would have gentle conversations, swapping insults about the smell of Mamoswine (who we were riding on again) and me defending my pokemon with a poor attempt. I told him he should try and keep a twenty thousand pound pokemon clean, and then speak for himself when he couldn't. To my surprise he had laughed.
I loved seeing him lighthearted, and I loved seeing as thought the awkward was gone between us. Even if he put forth no effort to be close to me, he was still letting me be close to him. I was perfectly happy, and maybe a little less than absent minded.
I decided after a few hours of relentless riding on Mamoswine, that I absolutely HAD to stretch my legs. I didn't care if the ice was still slippery from having no new snow fall, I would be careful enough. Silver got down with me, using any excuse to get off my pokemon, so I called him back and snapped the ball onto my belt with ease. My eyes flickered towards the bright eyed trainer next to me, and I decided that he was in a good enough mood to try and press my luck.
I reached for his hand.
He flinched and drew it back though, maybe a little too quickly. I frowned, seeing as though it had almost retreated into the pocket of his jacket like a diglet would its hole. I looked away, fearing the resentment, but he never said anything, and his voice didn't sound any different in later conversations. I got the feeling he was trying to ignore the fact that I really liked him, but I didn't want to know why. Was it because he didn't want to like me? Or because he just flat out didn't like me? I couldn't tell by the way he acted.
By noon the thoughts and problems had slipped me further into a full on panic. I wasn't sure why it bothered me so much, but it did. I couldn't stop thinking about Silver not liking me in some way or another. And the thought of what would happen to us after this journey up the mountain was nagging at me as well. Would we still be friends? Or would we go back to our separate sad lives?
I risked a glance at him in hopes that he wasn't looking, but he was. My eyes darted away quickly again, a faint blush coming over my cheeks as I looked around for something, anything at all to distract me.
"Woah, look at that." I just realized now, that we had been walking up the path so long that I absently lost track of our surroundings. I came to a stop and had to check myself, to see if this was even real anymore. We were on the south side of the mountain, I could tell because the path we walked turned into a steep ledge real quick. It was a good thing Silver was on that side because I could have walked right off of it by now.
A stunning view of Viridian City was strewn out beneath us. I swallowed and took a step closer to the edge, curious to look down to see just how far we had come.
"You just noticed?" Silver asked, standing partially in my way, almost as if he didn't want me to stand closer to the ledge. It was a steep drop, straight down back to the snow dusted ground we started on. I could see the clearing our first reunion battle took place in, as well as the gates leading to the pokemon league. It was absolutely mind boggling.
Somehow in that moment I understood. Seeing that view in broad daylight, with the brisk winter air and the dull sunlight casting a glow on everything through the broken snow clouds. It would have been a decent day down in the city I noted.
"That's Pewter City there." Silver pointed northern to Viridian to a slightly smaller gray toned town.
"I beat the gym leader there when I first came to Kanto." I commented, remembering the super effectiveness of my Kingdra against his rock pokemon. It hadn't been hard.
nice." The words off of Silver's tongue hit me harder than it should have. Silver never complimented ANYONE, let alone a weak gym leader that had no significance to his life whatsoever. The pit of my stomach twisted and my chest stung for a moment. It wasn't as if the Pewter City gym leader could have anything to do with Silver
they wouldn't even know each other
I was crazy to believe they could have anything more than a memory of a battle, if that.
"You're friends with him?" I couldn't help it
I had to ask.
"No." Silver replied, giving me a strange look. "I'm not friends with anyone."
That sure didn't help anything. I turned my face back to the view and tried to keep my confidence, though it had slipped away weeks ago. I forced myself to push my shoulders back and stand up straighter.
Lyra had shown me plenty of poorly written magazines in her teenybopper stage, and pointed one out in particular that stated "confidence is the key to attraction". I hadn't believed it for a second
and here I was trying it anyways, in attempts to make myself feel better about this whole thing. Here I was, liking Silver much more than I should
and he didn't even consider me his friend.
"Come on then." He said after a moment. "We should keep walking."